this is what happens...

So, this is what it comes down to. I'm trapped in a prison that is partly of my own device. I now seem to have little control over my life, and it feels like my options are becoming more limited by the day. I am something of a silent victim of the economic downturn. I still have a job, sure, but it's hanging on by a thread, and with the lack of options currently available, I am in a position where I pretty much have to degrade myself in order to ensure continued employment.

I can't say it's entirely not my fault. For a long time, and for a number of reasons, I have put off any ambitions I have had and settled for a life of relative leisure. I'm not talking Matthew McConaughey-lounging-shirtless-on-a-beach leisure, but something along those lines. I have spent my 20s working at a job that requires little effort and a moderate amount of responsibility. It has provided me with enough compensation to ensure that I can afford to live in an expensive city with just enough left over that I can enjoy myself on my downtime. There have been sacrifices, sure. I can't afford many luxuries, and the schedule has never been great, but I'm not that materialistic, I don't covet a lavish lifestyle, and I have been flexible enough to make the schedule work.

Lately, though, times have been tough and new management has been called in to "fix" things. Suddenly, my low stress bullshit job just got real. There was always the sense that a corporate behemoth has been hovering over us, working behind the scenes to influence what we do and reprimand us if we slip up. Now, the behemoth has descended, and it is determined to show no mercy. Now, I am no longer a flesh-and-blood human being with experience and ideas and value. I have become little more than a cog in the corporate machine, and if I show any signs of rust, any indication that I will perform in any way other than to keep spinning in the direction that the big wheel pushes me towards, I can and will be replaced.

Others have had it worse. Some have become victims of the current police state atmosphere and been cleanly and silently "disappeared", surfacing only to collect their final paycheck. Some have had their jobs completely redefined with little regard to their own unique talents. Some have been told that working other jobs to support themselves and pursuing educational opportunities to better themselves and expand their opportunities are no longer options which are on the table. As for myself, I've had relatively little asked from me in terms of sacrifice. I never asked for too much to begin with, which is a bit of a saving grace. All I really wanted was to be able to be able to live my life and not have to think about work when I ended my day, and particularly when my makeshift "weekend" came around. As it turns out, that alone was simply too much to ask.

Like the other managers and supervisors in my store, and pretty soon every full-time employee, I no longer have a set schedule. My shifts and days off will be changing week to week with little notice. I will no longer have consecutive days off. Any preferences I have will not be considered. We cannot trade shifts. We are even being forced to compete for open vacation days, as we are no longer allowed to take vacation when it overlaps with someone else. As a result of all of this, I and my colleagues cannot make any long term plans, schedule appointments, pursue other activities that are not flexible in scheduling, or even maintain semi-regular sleep schedules. What's worse is that this is happening and is non-negotiable regardless of how much ass we kiss and how cooperative we are with the many other new demands being placed upon us.

Part of me hates being put in a position where I have to whine and bitch and moan about such things. I try to rise above and stay positive and make the most of my private time and put things in perspective. I feel like the situation is beyond that now. Myself and people I care about are being treated like shit and the bastards are getting away with it. They're getting away with it because the economy sucks and there aren't a lot of jobs out there and there is lots of competition for the few that are and we're all so gosh-darn happy to at least have a job in these troubled times that we'll sit back and take whatever's thrown at us and smile real big and thank them for their time. Hell, go ahead and take away our raises and bonuses and increase our insurance premiums while you're at it. Who are we to complain?

I don't know what to do anymore. It's getting so that I don't even want to get out of bed these days. I have to look for a new place to live soon, and that will be difficult with my schedule being as inflexible as it is. I'm almost at a point where I want to just sell off all of my possessions, give up my job and my semi-permanent address, and just go wherever the wind takes me. I just don't really think I have the guts or the survival skills to pull that off. I don't want to be just another statistic, another person who has fallen through the cracks of society. On the other hand, I have accrued very few demonstrable job skills or useful connections, and would probably have a particularly hard time on the job market. I know this because I've tried to get out before, back when times were better all around. For now, at least, it seems like my only viable option is to stay where I am and let it slowly tear away at me, devouring me from inside until I become a shell of a person, devoid of individuality, numb to the world. I thought that this is what I had been avoiding my whole life, but here it is. I fell into a very elaborate trap, and it turns out I was the one who has been providing the fabric all along.