another state of the union...

Hello again. A fair amount of time has passed since my last post, and yet relatively little has changed. Aside from the cold that I am now battling, my problems are pretty much the same. Some have improved, in a way, while others have worsened, but either way it is far from all bad. In fact, I believe that there are some genuinely positive consequences to be had.

I'll start by discussing my problems at work. It's as good a place as any, especially considering that this seems to be all that some people would have me write about. I am sad to inform them, however, that lately I have hardly been the firebrand muckraker that they would have me be. That's because I seem to have found a steady footing at work. Don't get me wrong. I realize others haven't been so lucky, but as long as I can remain standing without contributing to the downfall of others, I'll do what I've gotta do. Of course, I know that it's something of an illusion. It's like I'm walking on a tightrope suspended in midair as the net falls apart and the whole circus collapses around me. I've kept my balance thus far, but it still feels like the whole thing might give way at anytime. Thank the gods, then, for my co-workers. I know that I work with a number of skillful, nimble, and charismatic trapeze artists who will happily swoop in to give me a helping hand, just as I would them. We're a solid act. If only we weren't working without that net.

As stressful as work can be lately, though, my more immediate problem is finding a new place come March. You know, March. It's that month that's only 11 days away. Suffice it to say, I have not made much progress at this point. Granted, I have been in this situation before and managed to pull something acceptable out of a hat at the last minute. Still, given all the specifics of this situation, I can't help but think that if there was ever a time that I could end up homeless, even briefly, this could be it. Of course, I know I have plenty of friends and family out there who care enough about me to make sure I don't end up on the streets, but if I can't find a viable solution pretty quick, things are definitely not going to be easy for me anytime soon. This of course only adds to the stress which I am experiencing elsewhere in my life.

All of that aside, things aren't so bad otherwise. My social life has been picking up a bit lately. I've also been reconnecting with old friends online. The sense of alienation and ennui that often plague me still creep up every now and then, but I've been finding ways to combat them. In fact, recent events, good and bad, seem to be conspiring in order to help me reprogram my brain and allow me to break out of certain destructive or unproductive patterns. I'm starting to realize that I can't take anything for granted, and for a long time I've been doing too much of that, in too many aspects of my life. The more I stop depending on anything to be safe, stable, and reliable, the more I see possibilities opening up. Some of those possibilities are frightening, even dangerous, but at least they stand as a reminder that there are alternatives out there. I don't need to be a slave to habit and routine. These days I can't be. It's not in the job description. Most importantly, I realize that it's not to late to change the way I approach my life and if I do it boldly, with eyes wide open and arms outstretched, good things could potentially result from it. Now that I've prepared myself to embrace whatever journey awaits me, it is only a matter of choosing my path. I look forward to it. I just need to find myself a place to live first.

positivity, creativity, emotional relativity, and inebriated activities...

I must say that despite the fact that I've been trying to get into the habit of updating my blog on a regular basis, I've been kind of putting it off even when I've felt like I had something to say. That has more than a little to do with the response that my last blog received. It was all positive, but overwhelmingly so. It almost feels like it became a sort of viral phenomenon. The few people at work who didn't actually read it at least heard about it(minus the one person who really needs to not know about it, lest it be very damaging for me). One of my coworkers actually dubbed me the "voice of the people", which is very flattering, but a lot to live up to, especially when I am, for now at least, trying to keep my job. More surprising than all of this, though, is the response I got from people who I don't work with and have no connection to the situation. A number of people from my past chimed in to express their support, and some even expressed that they or people they know are going through a similar experience. Apparently, all is not right even in this bold new era of hope and change. It looks like dissatisfaction is still abundant, hope is not accompanied by opportunity, and there is a new lost generation in town.

That being said, I am willing to put all that behind me for now and try to focus on the positive, and there's plenty to be found. That's how life works. Sometimes the darkness only serves to make everything that's good about life shine all the brighter in contrast. I recently got around to seeing "Slumdog Millionaire", and was fascinated by the way that it manages to live up to it's reputation as a feel good film despite all of the horrible, brutal things that happen to the main characters throughout their lives. It just goes to show that life, even at it's worst, is an adventure, and the hardships you survive enrich your life more than the hardships you avoid(not that I would even begin to compare my own petty troubles to the events in that film).

Ultimately, this has been a pretty good week. Things at work have improved very slightly, mostly because I have chosen to not sink to the level of those who are causing me distress. I have chosen to maintain a positive demeanor whenever I can do so without completely degrading myself or sacrificing someone else. Diplomacy is a powerful thing. It is hard for your enemies to tear you down when you stand your ground but do so in a way that invites cooperation. Rage and defiance can be powerful weapons, but they are risky when the balance of power is not in your favor. When you employ those weapons without tempering them with the tools of diplomacy, you are merely inviting your enemies to crush you. Besides, I know I can be a likable guy, even to people that I don't necessarily like, so what do I have to gain by making myself unlikable?

Outside of work, things are looking up as well. This whole experience has brought me and many of my coworkers closer together, and that connection has been finding expression outside of work. It's not like grabbing a few drinks after work is really a new thing. I do, however, feel like these outings have taken on a new tone. It feels like there is more solidarity and goodwill to go around, and we've also welcomed some new faces. Suddenly going out after work is less a way just to blow off steam and has now become something I really look forward to. There's a sense of comraderie that I haven't experienced in a while, and have really been missing.

I also had the day off today and decided not to let it go to waste as a result of stress and depression, as has been my habit lately. I decided to take advantage of a rare day off on the first Tuesday of the month, and went to free day at the Museum of Modern Art. I haven't been to a museum in a while, and I forgot how rewarding it is. It was very refreshing bathing myself in such a fountain of creativity. I particularly enjoyed all the participatory art exhibits on display there. It was like being in a playground for thinking adults. All in all, the experience reminded me that I live in a city with a wide array of cultural institutions and sources of inspiration, and I really haven't been taking much advantage of them as of late. If I have any shot at growing beyond my current unfortunate situation, this is something that needs to change. Every now and then I need to allow myself to experience the possibilities that the world has to offer, particularly when they are practically right there in my backyard.

this is what happens...

So, this is what it comes down to. I'm trapped in a prison that is partly of my own device. I now seem to have little control over my life, and it feels like my options are becoming more limited by the day. I am something of a silent victim of the economic downturn. I still have a job, sure, but it's hanging on by a thread, and with the lack of options currently available, I am in a position where I pretty much have to degrade myself in order to ensure continued employment.

I can't say it's entirely not my fault. For a long time, and for a number of reasons, I have put off any ambitions I have had and settled for a life of relative leisure. I'm not talking Matthew McConaughey-lounging-shirtless-on-a-beach leisure, but something along those lines. I have spent my 20s working at a job that requires little effort and a moderate amount of responsibility. It has provided me with enough compensation to ensure that I can afford to live in an expensive city with just enough left over that I can enjoy myself on my downtime. There have been sacrifices, sure. I can't afford many luxuries, and the schedule has never been great, but I'm not that materialistic, I don't covet a lavish lifestyle, and I have been flexible enough to make the schedule work.

Lately, though, times have been tough and new management has been called in to "fix" things. Suddenly, my low stress bullshit job just got real. There was always the sense that a corporate behemoth has been hovering over us, working behind the scenes to influence what we do and reprimand us if we slip up. Now, the behemoth has descended, and it is determined to show no mercy. Now, I am no longer a flesh-and-blood human being with experience and ideas and value. I have become little more than a cog in the corporate machine, and if I show any signs of rust, any indication that I will perform in any way other than to keep spinning in the direction that the big wheel pushes me towards, I can and will be replaced.

Others have had it worse. Some have become victims of the current police state atmosphere and been cleanly and silently "disappeared", surfacing only to collect their final paycheck. Some have had their jobs completely redefined with little regard to their own unique talents. Some have been told that working other jobs to support themselves and pursuing educational opportunities to better themselves and expand their opportunities are no longer options which are on the table. As for myself, I've had relatively little asked from me in terms of sacrifice. I never asked for too much to begin with, which is a bit of a saving grace. All I really wanted was to be able to be able to live my life and not have to think about work when I ended my day, and particularly when my makeshift "weekend" came around. As it turns out, that alone was simply too much to ask.

Like the other managers and supervisors in my store, and pretty soon every full-time employee, I no longer have a set schedule. My shifts and days off will be changing week to week with little notice. I will no longer have consecutive days off. Any preferences I have will not be considered. We cannot trade shifts. We are even being forced to compete for open vacation days, as we are no longer allowed to take vacation when it overlaps with someone else. As a result of all of this, I and my colleagues cannot make any long term plans, schedule appointments, pursue other activities that are not flexible in scheduling, or even maintain semi-regular sleep schedules. What's worse is that this is happening and is non-negotiable regardless of how much ass we kiss and how cooperative we are with the many other new demands being placed upon us.

Part of me hates being put in a position where I have to whine and bitch and moan about such things. I try to rise above and stay positive and make the most of my private time and put things in perspective. I feel like the situation is beyond that now. Myself and people I care about are being treated like shit and the bastards are getting away with it. They're getting away with it because the economy sucks and there aren't a lot of jobs out there and there is lots of competition for the few that are and we're all so gosh-darn happy to at least have a job in these troubled times that we'll sit back and take whatever's thrown at us and smile real big and thank them for their time. Hell, go ahead and take away our raises and bonuses and increase our insurance premiums while you're at it. Who are we to complain?

I don't know what to do anymore. It's getting so that I don't even want to get out of bed these days. I have to look for a new place to live soon, and that will be difficult with my schedule being as inflexible as it is. I'm almost at a point where I want to just sell off all of my possessions, give up my job and my semi-permanent address, and just go wherever the wind takes me. I just don't really think I have the guts or the survival skills to pull that off. I don't want to be just another statistic, another person who has fallen through the cracks of society. On the other hand, I have accrued very few demonstrable job skills or useful connections, and would probably have a particularly hard time on the job market. I know this because I've tried to get out before, back when times were better all around. For now, at least, it seems like my only viable option is to stay where I am and let it slowly tear away at me, devouring me from inside until I become a shell of a person, devoid of individuality, numb to the world. I thought that this is what I had been avoiding my whole life, but here it is. I fell into a very elaborate trap, and it turns out I was the one who has been providing the fabric all along.

seperation of celebrity and state

We're now coming to the end of Obama's inauguration week, and I must admit, I'm left with mixed feelings. Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic that the candidate that I have long supported and happily cast my vote for twice has finally reached the highest position of power in the country. I'm perhaps even more excited that the worst U.S. president of my lifetime, a man who has helped lead this country to the brink of collapse, is now out of a job and relatively powerless. The thrilled looks on the faces of all of the people gathered in Washington DC for the big event are also not lost on me, particularly the expressions of optimism and relief apparent in my black countrymen and women who were able to witness this historic victory for not only people of their particular racial background, but for all Americans who have felt to some extent excluded from our political establishment due to their race, gender, class, sexual preference, or political affiliations. Believe me, the magnitude of this event is not lost on me.

What kind of bothers me, though, is the way in which all of this has been framed. The whole event, particularly the post-inauguration balls, did not have the feel of a political event. Rather, it felt like a made-for-TV spectacle. It was like a combination of the Oscars, the Grammys, the VMA's, and the finale of American Idol, complete with Obama providing celebrity commentary on the events from backstage. He came off looking less like our new president and more like a special correspondent for Access Hollywood.

This in itself is not necessarily a problem. After all, it's no secret that his rapid rise to prominence was fueled in part by the fact that all us youngsters thought that he was far more hip than we ever imagined a politician could ever be. After all, in our lifetimes the epitome of presidential cool was watching Bill Clinton blow his sax with a smug, self-satisfied look on his bloated face. We had heard rumors of John and Jackie Kennedy's more suave and sophisticated cool, but most of the actual footage we had seen was of a more serious, political nature. Those were different times. Nowadays Obama can be cool whenever it pleases him, and it's assured that there will always be someone around ready to put it to tape.

As I said, so far all of this has not been a problem, but what happens further down the line, when Obama must be called upon to be less of a celebrity and more of a president, when he must prove himself not to merely be as glamorous as George Clooney, but to be a substantive leader in times of national trouble like the eloquent and stylish but less glamorous FDR? Can he rise to the occasion? I think he can. The real question, however, is will we make it easy for him?

Perhaps my point can best be made by relating my experience at the supermarket checkout the other day. While I was waiting in line, I glanced at the cover of one of the more reputable tabloid rags-I believe it was Star-and I saw on there a headline suggesting that Barak and Michelle's marriage is not as perfect as it seems. Really Star? You're going there? I mean, first of all no marriage is photo-op perfect all the time. Regardless of the nature of their problems, it's not exactly news that they have some. I'm sure the Bushes had more than there share as well, but how often did you see Laura Bush's name mentioned on the cover of anything? Even the cantankerous Bush twins received relatively delicate handling in the media despite all of their blatant indiscretions. That's because the Bush's were never really viewed as celebrities in that sense.

Obama, on the other hand, seems to already be following down the path that Clinton has paved whether he chose to or not. Clinton was the first true tabloid president, but he brought it upon himself. He created a scandal that seemed more in keeping with the antics of the decadent Hollywood elite than that of a president. He even managed to put JFK's probable dalliances with Marilyn Monroe to shame. In short, Clinton practically asked to become tabloid fodder. Obama, to our knowledge, has not sunk to that level yet. Hillary Clinton managed to shake off her family's personal baggage through the sheer force of her own professionalism and determination. Until the day comes that Obama uses a cigar to pleasure an intern in the Oval Office, I hope we can all give him the opportunity to do the same. After all, we could really use a leader who is free to do his job without having to crawl through the dirt that is caked over our celebrity-obsessed culture.

something new...

So, it has been nearly three months since my last post. I feel like all my blog entries seem to more or less start out that way. It's like an admission of guilt. It's my way of saying, yeah, maybe I intended to blog on a more regular basis, but hey, shit happens right. The truth is, I would blog more if I wasn't so filled with fear that I have nothing to say, or worse, that nobody wants to hear me say it.

I realize that my blog here and it's predecessor on myspace have had their share of fans, so it is really just self-doubt which feeds my fear, but that doesn't make it any less powerful. The great thing about fear, though, is that there is much to be learned from overcoming it.

It's a little late for the traditional forward looking new year's blog, but I'm not necessarily one for tradition anyway. Besides, my need for a fresh start has little to do with the changing of the calendar. I have done a lot of soul searching over the last few months and realized that I am at a dead end. Recent events both in my personal life and in the world at large have only reinforced that appraisal. I have reached a point where I know that I need to do something differently. Hell, maybe I need to do everything differently.

The kind of change that I need however, is not easy for someone who has been on this earth nearly three decades and spent most of that time floundering around, desperately reaching for something solid to hold on to. My problem is not so much the way I live my life as it is the fact that I have no strong goals, no definite purpose, nothing to really strive for. I suppose that this could be the result of some kind of basic defect in my personality. There are plenty of people out there who seem to have a relatively easy time finding things that they want and working out strategies to achieve what they desire. Even when they can't get what they want, or find that they no longer desire it, they make adjustments and redirect their energies towards a new goal. I don't work that way, or at least I haven't so far. I feel as though I have never found anything so worthy of my desire that I would fight all obstacles and devote all of my energy to it until I have achieved whatever it is. I'm just talking about career choices, either. This is a problem that afflicts virtually all aspects of my life.


That being said, my resolution for this year is to set goals and work towards them. In order to affect the kind of personal change necessary to make that happen, I must change my approach to virtually everything. I must throw out old patterns and ways of thinking that have not worked for me. I must be willing to open myself up to possibilities that I have ruled out in the past. I must finally solve the riddle which is myself and finally try to figure out who I am, what I really want, and what I have to offer. That it's taken me this long to get to this point is kind of sad, but it has been a process.

To put it another way, it has been a journey. It has been a journey that has offered me valuable experience and insight, but which has so far lacked a plot. That, then, is my first and biggest goal. It's time to stop with all the aimless meandering and the useless rhetoric and finally put a plot into play. This year, we have all been given a challenge to change the world and to change ourselves. It is a powerful meme that has come to define this particular moment in time. I don't want this moment to pass me by. I want to be a part of it. If any of you want to link your journey to mine and be part of this together, then I welcome you aboard. As for anyone else out there reading this, I hope to see you sometime in the new world.