another state of the union...

Hello again. A fair amount of time has passed since my last post, and yet relatively little has changed. Aside from the cold that I am now battling, my problems are pretty much the same. Some have improved, in a way, while others have worsened, but either way it is far from all bad. In fact, I believe that there are some genuinely positive consequences to be had.

I'll start by discussing my problems at work. It's as good a place as any, especially considering that this seems to be all that some people would have me write about. I am sad to inform them, however, that lately I have hardly been the firebrand muckraker that they would have me be. That's because I seem to have found a steady footing at work. Don't get me wrong. I realize others haven't been so lucky, but as long as I can remain standing without contributing to the downfall of others, I'll do what I've gotta do. Of course, I know that it's something of an illusion. It's like I'm walking on a tightrope suspended in midair as the net falls apart and the whole circus collapses around me. I've kept my balance thus far, but it still feels like the whole thing might give way at anytime. Thank the gods, then, for my co-workers. I know that I work with a number of skillful, nimble, and charismatic trapeze artists who will happily swoop in to give me a helping hand, just as I would them. We're a solid act. If only we weren't working without that net.

As stressful as work can be lately, though, my more immediate problem is finding a new place come March. You know, March. It's that month that's only 11 days away. Suffice it to say, I have not made much progress at this point. Granted, I have been in this situation before and managed to pull something acceptable out of a hat at the last minute. Still, given all the specifics of this situation, I can't help but think that if there was ever a time that I could end up homeless, even briefly, this could be it. Of course, I know I have plenty of friends and family out there who care enough about me to make sure I don't end up on the streets, but if I can't find a viable solution pretty quick, things are definitely not going to be easy for me anytime soon. This of course only adds to the stress which I am experiencing elsewhere in my life.

All of that aside, things aren't so bad otherwise. My social life has been picking up a bit lately. I've also been reconnecting with old friends online. The sense of alienation and ennui that often plague me still creep up every now and then, but I've been finding ways to combat them. In fact, recent events, good and bad, seem to be conspiring in order to help me reprogram my brain and allow me to break out of certain destructive or unproductive patterns. I'm starting to realize that I can't take anything for granted, and for a long time I've been doing too much of that, in too many aspects of my life. The more I stop depending on anything to be safe, stable, and reliable, the more I see possibilities opening up. Some of those possibilities are frightening, even dangerous, but at least they stand as a reminder that there are alternatives out there. I don't need to be a slave to habit and routine. These days I can't be. It's not in the job description. Most importantly, I realize that it's not to late to change the way I approach my life and if I do it boldly, with eyes wide open and arms outstretched, good things could potentially result from it. Now that I've prepared myself to embrace whatever journey awaits me, it is only a matter of choosing my path. I look forward to it. I just need to find myself a place to live first.

positivity, creativity, emotional relativity, and inebriated activities...

I must say that despite the fact that I've been trying to get into the habit of updating my blog on a regular basis, I've been kind of putting it off even when I've felt like I had something to say. That has more than a little to do with the response that my last blog received. It was all positive, but overwhelmingly so. It almost feels like it became a sort of viral phenomenon. The few people at work who didn't actually read it at least heard about it(minus the one person who really needs to not know about it, lest it be very damaging for me). One of my coworkers actually dubbed me the "voice of the people", which is very flattering, but a lot to live up to, especially when I am, for now at least, trying to keep my job. More surprising than all of this, though, is the response I got from people who I don't work with and have no connection to the situation. A number of people from my past chimed in to express their support, and some even expressed that they or people they know are going through a similar experience. Apparently, all is not right even in this bold new era of hope and change. It looks like dissatisfaction is still abundant, hope is not accompanied by opportunity, and there is a new lost generation in town.

That being said, I am willing to put all that behind me for now and try to focus on the positive, and there's plenty to be found. That's how life works. Sometimes the darkness only serves to make everything that's good about life shine all the brighter in contrast. I recently got around to seeing "Slumdog Millionaire", and was fascinated by the way that it manages to live up to it's reputation as a feel good film despite all of the horrible, brutal things that happen to the main characters throughout their lives. It just goes to show that life, even at it's worst, is an adventure, and the hardships you survive enrich your life more than the hardships you avoid(not that I would even begin to compare my own petty troubles to the events in that film).

Ultimately, this has been a pretty good week. Things at work have improved very slightly, mostly because I have chosen to not sink to the level of those who are causing me distress. I have chosen to maintain a positive demeanor whenever I can do so without completely degrading myself or sacrificing someone else. Diplomacy is a powerful thing. It is hard for your enemies to tear you down when you stand your ground but do so in a way that invites cooperation. Rage and defiance can be powerful weapons, but they are risky when the balance of power is not in your favor. When you employ those weapons without tempering them with the tools of diplomacy, you are merely inviting your enemies to crush you. Besides, I know I can be a likable guy, even to people that I don't necessarily like, so what do I have to gain by making myself unlikable?

Outside of work, things are looking up as well. This whole experience has brought me and many of my coworkers closer together, and that connection has been finding expression outside of work. It's not like grabbing a few drinks after work is really a new thing. I do, however, feel like these outings have taken on a new tone. It feels like there is more solidarity and goodwill to go around, and we've also welcomed some new faces. Suddenly going out after work is less a way just to blow off steam and has now become something I really look forward to. There's a sense of comraderie that I haven't experienced in a while, and have really been missing.

I also had the day off today and decided not to let it go to waste as a result of stress and depression, as has been my habit lately. I decided to take advantage of a rare day off on the first Tuesday of the month, and went to free day at the Museum of Modern Art. I haven't been to a museum in a while, and I forgot how rewarding it is. It was very refreshing bathing myself in such a fountain of creativity. I particularly enjoyed all the participatory art exhibits on display there. It was like being in a playground for thinking adults. All in all, the experience reminded me that I live in a city with a wide array of cultural institutions and sources of inspiration, and I really haven't been taking much advantage of them as of late. If I have any shot at growing beyond my current unfortunate situation, this is something that needs to change. Every now and then I need to allow myself to experience the possibilities that the world has to offer, particularly when they are practically right there in my backyard.