So it has been a while since I posted my first blog, and nary a peep ever since. I guess I'm not sure exactly why I started this blog. I don't know what I want to accomplish. I don't know what to say. I'm afraid that anything I put out there for the world to see will basically just be me pissing in the wind. Granted that's not much more than what many people's blogs amount to, but I am ready to do something that really means something.
It feels like we're living in troubled times. I know, I know, it always feels that way. All times are troubled when you really get down to it. The human race has never exactly excelled at peace and prosperity. Still, it seems as though the world's problems are growing, accelerating, and combining in ways that only paranoid science fiction authors used to dream about.
On top of all of this, it seems that we are living in a world that has become intellectually lazy. Solutions are in short supply because we've all been anesthisized by designer drugs, poor diets, failing schools, manipulative media, and a vacuous pop culture.
Now, I'm certainly not saying anything new here. We've all heard these assertions before and in greater detail. Where it really hits home is that I know that I am both feeding and being devoured by the same social constructs that I am attempting to criticize. Granted, I could discuss the issues in greater depth, with informed opinions and elaborate arguments, and that would be fine if I wanted to be just another talking head, metaphorically speaking, cluttering up the oversaturated blogosphere.
What really makes me disappointed with myself is the fact that I once imagined myself to be a potential agent of change. I believed, and ultimately still believe, that I have the capacity to not only identify and analyze society's ills, but also to dream up solutions for them. I want to make an impact. I want to have a positive influence. In the end I want what everybody who really thinks deeply about their own existence truly wants. I want my life to have meaning.
I am not a religious person. I don't believe in redemption and salvation and the promise of something greater which defines us here and in the afterlife. I believe that in order for one's life to have meaning, one must find ways to create and nurture meaning. This requires that famous combination of hard work and inspiration as applied to one's own natural gifts in order to create something significant and novel. Unfortunately I have become lazy, failed to nuture my talents, and allowed myself to be led astray by safety, comfort, and self-absorbtion.
So there you have it. I'm out here lost in the woods. I suppose what I really want to accomplish with the blog is to find a clearing that will get me back on the right path. There's a trail of breadcrumbs out there for me somewhere, if I can find it. Perhaps this blog will amount to little more than me fumbling about in the brush, but at least that's something. At least I know that I haven't given in and let myself be consumed by the deceptive comfort and deadly temptations of the gingerbread house.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
hello, cruel world...
Hi, my name is Casey and I am unhappy. That should go without saying, though. Really, is there any other reason to start a blog? Why am I unhappy you ask? Well, filter the usual reasons through my own presumably unique volatile avoidant temperament and you have your answer. Or perhaps I should elaborate...
I am 29 years old. I have a shitty job. All of the lofty dreams and ambitions that carried me through my unfortunate adolescence have gone unfulfilled. I am a bit lonely. I am probably loved, but not in any way that is relevant to my daily life. Basically, I am on course to die as a crazy cat lady, except that I am not female and I currently own no cats. Oh, and I live in San Francisco, a city where it happens to be easier to change your gender than to find a place that allows pets.
Strangely enough, however, I am generally happy with my life. I worry about big things constantly, but still try to maintain enough perspective to focus on all of the small things. Ultimately, I am finally creating this blog tonight after months of saying that I would because I have once again been disappointed and disillusioned. This is hardly a new occurance, but I feel like I have finally had enough. Maybe it is because I saw John McCain give a speech tonight, but that was only the beginning.
I don't feel like going into specifics just right now- I am not quite yet ready to be so bold- but suffice it to say tonight just served to remind me of how inadequate and alone I am. No, that doesn't sound quite right. It's more like I am a most adequate man at a particularly inadequate time. Yeah, I think that might be it. Timing has never been my forte.
I have learned enough in my lifetime, though, to know that it is never the right time until you make it so, and that brings me to this, my new blog. I have seen disappointment and alienation firsthand, but I also see it in so many other people that I encounter on a daily basis. I am starting to feel that it is an epidemic which threatens to consume our modern connected yet strangely disconnected society. I feel that we live in a society in which communication has never been easier, and yet we have forgotten how to communicate. I think that we have forgotten how to communicate because we don't know how to articulate the thoughts and feelings that dwell within our minds. I believe this to be true, and yet I continue to be one of the worst offenders.
The truth is, I am hopelessly neurotic. I hide my true self from others. I lie compulsively. I shut out people that I care about and force them to work too hard to pierce my defenses, and I watch passively as they finally give up. I am a rock, I am an island, and I sit around wondering why I feel so alone. I am living proof that a rock feels pain, but I alternately wallow in it and anesthisize it.
These are the kinds of issues that I hope to address by having a blog. I hope to address these issues not only for myself, but for anyone else who ultimately feels the same way. I have always wanted nothing more than to make a significant contribution to the world, but right now I feel like I can't offer anything to the world until I do some work on myself. Not that I want this blog to be entirely narcissistic-I ultimately want to address anything that is on my mind-yet I feel that I can't really offer anything to the world unless I learn to share more of myself, and that is my ultimate goal.
Of course, I can't be sure that anyone will actually bother to read any of this, but that's okay. The fact that I tried is what ultimately counts, I think.
Your new friend/old friend/casual acquaintance/anonymous blogger,
Casey
I am 29 years old. I have a shitty job. All of the lofty dreams and ambitions that carried me through my unfortunate adolescence have gone unfulfilled. I am a bit lonely. I am probably loved, but not in any way that is relevant to my daily life. Basically, I am on course to die as a crazy cat lady, except that I am not female and I currently own no cats. Oh, and I live in San Francisco, a city where it happens to be easier to change your gender than to find a place that allows pets.
Strangely enough, however, I am generally happy with my life. I worry about big things constantly, but still try to maintain enough perspective to focus on all of the small things. Ultimately, I am finally creating this blog tonight after months of saying that I would because I have once again been disappointed and disillusioned. This is hardly a new occurance, but I feel like I have finally had enough. Maybe it is because I saw John McCain give a speech tonight, but that was only the beginning.
I don't feel like going into specifics just right now- I am not quite yet ready to be so bold- but suffice it to say tonight just served to remind me of how inadequate and alone I am. No, that doesn't sound quite right. It's more like I am a most adequate man at a particularly inadequate time. Yeah, I think that might be it. Timing has never been my forte.
I have learned enough in my lifetime, though, to know that it is never the right time until you make it so, and that brings me to this, my new blog. I have seen disappointment and alienation firsthand, but I also see it in so many other people that I encounter on a daily basis. I am starting to feel that it is an epidemic which threatens to consume our modern connected yet strangely disconnected society. I feel that we live in a society in which communication has never been easier, and yet we have forgotten how to communicate. I think that we have forgotten how to communicate because we don't know how to articulate the thoughts and feelings that dwell within our minds. I believe this to be true, and yet I continue to be one of the worst offenders.
The truth is, I am hopelessly neurotic. I hide my true self from others. I lie compulsively. I shut out people that I care about and force them to work too hard to pierce my defenses, and I watch passively as they finally give up. I am a rock, I am an island, and I sit around wondering why I feel so alone. I am living proof that a rock feels pain, but I alternately wallow in it and anesthisize it.
These are the kinds of issues that I hope to address by having a blog. I hope to address these issues not only for myself, but for anyone else who ultimately feels the same way. I have always wanted nothing more than to make a significant contribution to the world, but right now I feel like I can't offer anything to the world until I do some work on myself. Not that I want this blog to be entirely narcissistic-I ultimately want to address anything that is on my mind-yet I feel that I can't really offer anything to the world unless I learn to share more of myself, and that is my ultimate goal.
Of course, I can't be sure that anyone will actually bother to read any of this, but that's okay. The fact that I tried is what ultimately counts, I think.
Your new friend/old friend/casual acquaintance/anonymous blogger,
Casey
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