something new...

So, it has been nearly three months since my last post. I feel like all my blog entries seem to more or less start out that way. It's like an admission of guilt. It's my way of saying, yeah, maybe I intended to blog on a more regular basis, but hey, shit happens right. The truth is, I would blog more if I wasn't so filled with fear that I have nothing to say, or worse, that nobody wants to hear me say it.

I realize that my blog here and it's predecessor on myspace have had their share of fans, so it is really just self-doubt which feeds my fear, but that doesn't make it any less powerful. The great thing about fear, though, is that there is much to be learned from overcoming it.

It's a little late for the traditional forward looking new year's blog, but I'm not necessarily one for tradition anyway. Besides, my need for a fresh start has little to do with the changing of the calendar. I have done a lot of soul searching over the last few months and realized that I am at a dead end. Recent events both in my personal life and in the world at large have only reinforced that appraisal. I have reached a point where I know that I need to do something differently. Hell, maybe I need to do everything differently.

The kind of change that I need however, is not easy for someone who has been on this earth nearly three decades and spent most of that time floundering around, desperately reaching for something solid to hold on to. My problem is not so much the way I live my life as it is the fact that I have no strong goals, no definite purpose, nothing to really strive for. I suppose that this could be the result of some kind of basic defect in my personality. There are plenty of people out there who seem to have a relatively easy time finding things that they want and working out strategies to achieve what they desire. Even when they can't get what they want, or find that they no longer desire it, they make adjustments and redirect their energies towards a new goal. I don't work that way, or at least I haven't so far. I feel as though I have never found anything so worthy of my desire that I would fight all obstacles and devote all of my energy to it until I have achieved whatever it is. I'm just talking about career choices, either. This is a problem that afflicts virtually all aspects of my life.


That being said, my resolution for this year is to set goals and work towards them. In order to affect the kind of personal change necessary to make that happen, I must change my approach to virtually everything. I must throw out old patterns and ways of thinking that have not worked for me. I must be willing to open myself up to possibilities that I have ruled out in the past. I must finally solve the riddle which is myself and finally try to figure out who I am, what I really want, and what I have to offer. That it's taken me this long to get to this point is kind of sad, but it has been a process.

To put it another way, it has been a journey. It has been a journey that has offered me valuable experience and insight, but which has so far lacked a plot. That, then, is my first and biggest goal. It's time to stop with all the aimless meandering and the useless rhetoric and finally put a plot into play. This year, we have all been given a challenge to change the world and to change ourselves. It is a powerful meme that has come to define this particular moment in time. I don't want this moment to pass me by. I want to be a part of it. If any of you want to link your journey to mine and be part of this together, then I welcome you aboard. As for anyone else out there reading this, I hope to see you sometime in the new world.