Hi, my name is Casey and I am unhappy. That should go without saying, though. Really, is there any other reason to start a blog? Why am I unhappy you ask? Well, filter the usual reasons through my own presumably unique volatile avoidant temperament and you have your answer. Or perhaps I should elaborate...
I am 29 years old. I have a shitty job. All of the lofty dreams and ambitions that carried me through my unfortunate adolescence have gone unfulfilled. I am a bit lonely. I am probably loved, but not in any way that is relevant to my daily life. Basically, I am on course to die as a crazy cat lady, except that I am not female and I currently own no cats. Oh, and I live in San Francisco, a city where it happens to be easier to change your gender than to find a place that allows pets.
Strangely enough, however, I am generally happy with my life. I worry about big things constantly, but still try to maintain enough perspective to focus on all of the small things. Ultimately, I am finally creating this blog tonight after months of saying that I would because I have once again been disappointed and disillusioned. This is hardly a new occurance, but I feel like I have finally had enough. Maybe it is because I saw John McCain give a speech tonight, but that was only the beginning.
I don't feel like going into specifics just right now- I am not quite yet ready to be so bold- but suffice it to say tonight just served to remind me of how inadequate and alone I am. No, that doesn't sound quite right. It's more like I am a most adequate man at a particularly inadequate time. Yeah, I think that might be it. Timing has never been my forte.
I have learned enough in my lifetime, though, to know that it is never the right time until you make it so, and that brings me to this, my new blog. I have seen disappointment and alienation firsthand, but I also see it in so many other people that I encounter on a daily basis. I am starting to feel that it is an epidemic which threatens to consume our modern connected yet strangely disconnected society. I feel that we live in a society in which communication has never been easier, and yet we have forgotten how to communicate. I think that we have forgotten how to communicate because we don't know how to articulate the thoughts and feelings that dwell within our minds. I believe this to be true, and yet I continue to be one of the worst offenders.
The truth is, I am hopelessly neurotic. I hide my true self from others. I lie compulsively. I shut out people that I care about and force them to work too hard to pierce my defenses, and I watch passively as they finally give up. I am a rock, I am an island, and I sit around wondering why I feel so alone. I am living proof that a rock feels pain, but I alternately wallow in it and anesthisize it.
These are the kinds of issues that I hope to address by having a blog. I hope to address these issues not only for myself, but for anyone else who ultimately feels the same way. I have always wanted nothing more than to make a significant contribution to the world, but right now I feel like I can't offer anything to the world until I do some work on myself. Not that I want this blog to be entirely narcissistic-I ultimately want to address anything that is on my mind-yet I feel that I can't really offer anything to the world unless I learn to share more of myself, and that is my ultimate goal.
Of course, I can't be sure that anyone will actually bother to read any of this, but that's okay. The fact that I tried is what ultimately counts, I think.
Your new friend/old friend/casual acquaintance/anonymous blogger,
Casey
1 comment:
i know i might be out of place in replying to this with any type of advice but i do consider you to be a friend and i would think you would value my opinion and conscious effort to put some different perspective on your plate.
you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. i know deep down you are a good person. it definitely became evident as i got to know you that you have value. you aren't the only person who has any of these feelings or neurosis or what have you. and time hasn't run out for you - i see a lot of potential in you to do great things. you just need to figure out what you want. if you are unhappy with where you are, then you need to make the effort to find out where you want to go. as soon as you spend some serious time accommodating these needs that your true character is calling for then i promise you everything will fall into place.
-anah
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